addedentry: Soon, and for the rest of your life

Owen Massey (

addedentry) wrote,
@ 2008-03-19 14:30:00

Soon, and for the rest of your life
Apparently weddings don't organise themselves. Six months on, we've got as far as confirming that it won't be possible to hold the reception at my employers' place. That's a pity, though it's not as if Oxford wants for pretty backdrops.

More pressingly, where can we go for an Easter weekend that isn't threatened by rail replacement buses and heavy snow showers? (We are a no-fly zone.)

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1ngi
2008-03-19 02:38 pm UTC (link)

I honestly think that doing it in 3 weeks is the best plan. Grab a venue, give notice, tell everyone when it is. Everyone looks startled but somehow it all turns out ok.

Organising my sister's wedding in three weeks (they were suddenly off to America) was a fun party and done in a tearing hurry. You minimise sooooo much crap coz you only have what you really want and what ever you don't have time for, you don't have. Simple.

I have to say this only works off-wedding season and as long as you don't pick a Saturday. Wish I'd gone for this approach. But hey - we have only 3 weeks left now.

Do you detect the slightest manic hint here.

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	addedentry 2008-03-19 02:47 pm UTC (link)
	So you have three weeks to go and you've got lots of arrangements fixed already? Bonus! (-; (Reply to this)(Parent)

j4
2008-03-19 03:20 pm UTC (link)

you only have what you really want and what ever you don't have time for, you don't have

Hm. I have to say, this doesn't quite work if "what you really want" includes the presence of guests who tend to book long holidays about a year in advance.

Wish I'd gone for this approach.

I strongly suspect that it's the sort of approach that only works if somebody else does it for you! I mean, it's probably quite easy to tell somebody else "you don't need all this fancy bobbins for your wedding, just say 'I do' and bugger off"; I suspect it's a lot harder to convince yourself to just forget about all the things you originally wanted.

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1ngi
2008-03-19 03:35 pm UTC (link)

"this doesn't quite work if "what you really want" includes the presence of guests who tend to book long holidays about a year in advance."

True. I have however discovered that for some people, no amount of pre-warning is enough and will still result in a no-can-do.

" strongly suspect that it's the sort of approach that only works if somebody else does it for you!
May be so. But she is helping the other way round this time and still agrees with the three week approach.

I may feel differently when it's all over.

Have you two had any thoughts about when? Or is it a sore point and should I not mention it tmrw?

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j4
2008-03-19 03:53 pm UTC (link)

for some people, no amount of pre-warning is enough

If people don't want to come, that's fine, but it'd seem a bit daft to announce the wedding for a date when half the parents/grandparents are off on holiday when a) we want them to be there and b) they want to be there.

Have you two had any thoughts about when?

Well, yes, lots of thoughts, all of which have so far been scuppered by the unavailability of the venue or the unavailability of the Owen. Venue -- basically Worcester will let conferences book a million years in advance but everybody else just has to take a chance on there being a cancellation at the last minute. So the three-week approach would work there, but if we were going to do the "oh for god's sake just get married in a lunchbreak in jeans-and-t-shirt" approach we wouldn't bother hiring a big expensive venue. (Very frustrating not being able to talk to the conference people at Worcester myself -- it has taken about a month for every possible date we've asked about to get rejected by them, by email, as apparently they won't answer questions on the phone -- but it all has to go through Owen because he's college staff!)

And Owen can't take holiday in term time, except now apparently he can, but only a long way in advance.

Oh and if we get married in the summer (that's anything from April to September) he'll have such bad hayfever he won't be able to even say the vows, and if we get married in the winter it'll be cold and miserable and we won't be able to go on honeymoon anywhere nice because we're not flying (except we may have to because his parents want us to go to their timeshare house in Madeira).

I dunno, the more I think about it the more I think it's all a big waste of time and money, if I'm going to stay with him forever anyway we've got years and years to spend the time/money on something more fun than project-managing an event that neither of us can fit sensibly into our lives. And to be honest if we're not doing the 'event' then there's no real point in the ceremony at all; neither of us believes we'll go to hell for living in sin, we don't have kids (and you don't have to be married to have kids anyway), we're not buying a house together, what's the point?

Also, I am a curmudgeon and don't want to have any sort of party at the moment. Not even a birthday party. Waste of time and money.

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1ngi
2008-03-19 04:28 pm UTC (link)

I wasn't suggesting that 3 weeks was the same as getting "married in a lunchbreak in jeans-and-t-shirt" approach. My sis had a beautiful and wonderful wedding and I should have said that at the outset.

I'm sorry you have having such a time of it, didn't mean to seem as if I was being insensitive.

I thought that the point was you two had made a symbol of commitment to each other, you clearly care for each other very much and at some point, no doubt you will want to make a declaration of the fact. It was obvious from the things you both said at the time, that it was more than just the wearing of a ring.

I'm concerned that I've upset you. I didn't mean to.

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	j4 2008-03-19 04:42 pm UTC (link)
	Aw I'm sorry. You've not upset me, I'm just feeling really rubbish & hide-under-a-rock-ish at the moment. :-( And now I feel bad for wibbling about weddings at you when you're so close to your own big day! I think I will go and hide under that rock for a bit after all. Not offended or upset with you, honest, just feeling all blehhh. hides under rock with a badger (Reply to this)(Parent)

jvvw
2008-03-19 04:46 pm UTC (link)

Doing it in three weeks is probably only possible if 1) you'd have to not being having it on a Saturday, 2) you're not working during those three weeks, 3) you don't mind which of your guests can't come, 4) you either want a non-traditional dress or are capable of buying a dress from somewhere like Debenhams and getting any alterations done really quickly (dresses usually take about six months), 5) you're generally not fussy about things and 6) you can put up with everyone asking you if you're pregnant.

We're getting married in Worcester chapel but not having our reception there. (We're having our reception at Le Manoir aux Quat' Saisons which isn't anywhere near as hideously expensive as you might think as they seem to have forgotten to triple their prices - I reckon that a wedding for 50 people there costs roughly the same as a wedding for 100 people at a fairly standard place. Not sure what your budget is but might be worth considering).

In retrospect, I'd have seriously considered the going abroad option though :) There are so many small things to sort out and it does dominate your life way too much.

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j4
2008-03-19 04:59 pm UTC (link)

In no particular order:

- already got the dress (from Oxfam, bought in lunch-hour, no alterations required though I might decorate it a bit more).

- everybody already asked if I was pregnant when I announced we were engaged. Bizarre.

- Saturday not essential but I do care who can be there (otherwise we could just nip to the registry office in a lunch-hour and drag a couple of witnesses off the street) so if it's not a Saturday most people will need notice so they can take the time off work.

- budget, er, dunno. Grandparents will probably offer money if money is an obstacle to doing the thing we want; but part of what I want is to not have some kind of crazy million-dollar Hollywood production number.

- going abroad seems unnecessary if all you want to do is avoid other people!

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	addedentry 2008-03-19 08:42 pm UTC (link)
	Worcester chapel is astonishing: the decoration would keep me occupied no matter what the occasion! Good luck with it all. Le Manoir is a good choice, too, which I wouldn't have thought of. (Must have another try getting a reservation at the Fat Duck.) (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	jvvw 2008-03-19 10:54 pm UTC (link)
	Jon took me to the The Fat Duck for my 30th birthday - definitely worth the effort involved in making a reservation! The Ashmolean does weddings by the way too which is another place that we considered. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	addedentry 2008-03-21 02:31 pm UTC (link)
	The Fat Duck's website now says that their phone line for reservations wasn't working correctly, and indeed I was able to speak to a human yesterday (though without success). So I'll keep trying! (Reply to this)(Parent)

	scat0324 2008-03-19 02:46 pm UTC (link)
	Kidlington? (Reply to this)(Thread)

	addedentry 2008-03-19 02:48 pm UTC (link)
	Largest village in the country, they say. Must be some kind of rural paradise. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	invisiblechoir 2008-03-19 03:06 pm UTC (link)
	I was quite pleased to discover that I can get to the Isle of Wight this weekend without being inconvenienced by Network Rail. So, er, you could go and visit my parents for Easter? (Reply to this)(Thread)

	addedentry 2008-03-19 08:43 pm UTC (link)
	Quite by coincidence, we were planning to go to the Isle of Wight after I discovered it was in the Network Railcard zone (-: The prospect of being stranded when the gales stop the ferries was less appealing, though. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

invisiblechoir
2008-03-20 09:09 am UTC (link)

It does have to be really bad for them to cancel the boats, though the seasickness-prone may not take comfort from this fact! My sister has a good tale to tell of getting halfway across the Solent at midnight on the Wightlink catamaran, during the worst storm of that winter, before the captain decided to turn back and put everyone on the car ferry instead.

Anyway, if you do go, I shall be down there from tomorrow until at least Sunday.

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	bopeepsheep 2008-03-19 03:13 pm UTC (link)
	Voyage around your room(s)? Cheap, and probably snow-free. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	addedentry 2008-03-19 08:45 pm UTC (link)
	It's time to worry when the snowdrifts reach to the first floor window. (I found Voyage Around My Room a disappointment, actually: the idea is better without the execution.) (Reply to this)(Parent)

	the_elyan 2008-03-19 03:14 pm UTC (link)
	Newbridge - the smallest village in the world, but a well-formed one, having opne house, and two pubs. Somewhere on the river, near Witney. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	addedentry 2008-03-19 08:50 pm UTC (link)
	I know Newbridge! Or rather, it's one of many locations where I have made mistakes on a driving lesson. Thank you, this is a very good idea. The wind will probably be too strong to cycle there this weekend, but it's definitely reachable on another occasion. (Reply to this)(Parent)

daneel_olivaw
2008-03-19 03:38 pm UTC (link)

where can we go for an Easter weekend...

As in, "What social engagements are happening this weekend?" or as in, "I fancy buggering off somewhere with j4 - where's good?"?

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	addedentry 2008-03-19 08:51 pm UTC (link)
	I'd assumed that our friends would all be away, so the latter, but you have a point. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	covertmusic 2008-03-19 08:57 pm UTC (link)
	Some of us are staying in this madhouse. I think I'm going to be mostly filing. I am pure rock. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	addedentry 2008-03-19 09:02 pm UTC (link)
	http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/filing.001.html (Reply to this)(Parent)

barnacle
2008-03-20 10:42 am UTC (link)

We were toying with the idea, but then saw this weekend's weather. Snow, for heaven's sake.

We'll be around. Heaven knows what we'll be up to, though. I think the current plan is to stock up on enough pastries and chocolate this evening to last us until Monday night, and then make some sort of weird nest out of all the bedding in the house.

If you think that's bad, wait till we're old and smell of wee.

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	nja 2008-03-19 03:43 pm UTC (link)
	Norfolk is my standard answer. Probably a bugger to get to from Oxford even when the trains are working perfectly, though. That's the answer for the Easter weekend, by the way, not the wedding - although feel free to use it for the wedding too. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	addedentry 2008-03-19 08:53 pm UTC (link)
	Thank you. I regret not making it to Norfolk proper when I lived in Cambridge. I thoroughly enjoyed an afternoon in Norwich following a conference at UEA and it clearly merits more exploration. You could adopt Norfolk as a gender-neutral version of your name. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	shewalksonroses 2008-03-19 04:23 pm UTC (link)
	Well, I don't think we're being threatened by either snow or rail replacement at the moment...and Phil and Sarah (and baby Mark) are going to be here Saturday night - y'all are welcome to come up and turn things into a party! :D (Reply to this)(Thread)

	jiggery_pokery 2008-03-19 07:39 pm UTC (link)
	:-D Speaking of whom, Phil and Sarah got married at the Rollright Stones, theatre-in-the-round stylee. Slightly tricky to get to, but it was very, very cool. (Standard downsides of outdoor weddings apply; acoustics become slightly trickier and you're gambling on it not raining too hard.) (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	addedentry 2008-03-19 08:55 pm UTC (link)
	I fear I'd be coopting paganism as much as if I were crossing my fingers behind my back in a church. Definitely a memorable spot, though. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	sion_a 2008-03-20 10:29 am UTC (link)
	Does that count as a permanent structure for the purposes of weddings? (Reply to this)(Parent)

	ewx 2008-03-19 08:53 pm UTC (link)
	I recommend elopement. (Reply to this)

	juggzy 2008-03-19 09:20 pm UTC (link)
	Erm - you're very welcome here, if you want, but give me enough warning to change the sheets. I am painting and could do with the company. (Reply to this)

	hairyears 2008-03-20 03:08 am UTC (link)
	Easter weekend? Eastercon (where I will be on Sunday). Other than that, I have no idea, and Eater Monday's a bit of a loose end. (Reply to this)

vinaigrettegirl
2008-03-20 11:06 am UTC (link)

Re holidays: my father was forbidden by his sergeant to take the weekend off to get married. His sergeant's commanding officer, however, on appeal, looked at them both and said "Sergeant, you WILL give PFC [N] the weekend off to attend his wedding. Is that understood?" The only possible answer was "Sir, yes sir". If security for a password-clearance boy could be waived at the height of the cold war, I bet you ten quid that you can get time off for your wedding.

The day will be a blur anyway. For what not to do, A P Herbert (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negotiable_cow) wrote a wonderful account in the voice of ... Topsy? accompanying Mr. Haddock to a county wedding: freezing little church, fuggy marquee, badly-chilled champagne, and standing on the platform waiting to go back to Town half-cut at 4 in the afternoon with a long prospect of nothing to do when one gets there and no appetite for a decent dinner :-).

So decide what you and your guests would like to do, aside from witnessing the beginning of your marriage, and start a list of people from whom you can eventually borrow the quoits sets, Twister tarpaulins, and costumes for the relay races, and get making the furry badger table favours.

presumably neither sets of parents will be major interferences, and you won't have dilemmas about hurting great-aunt Gertie's feelings because her ghastly son Rupert's even worse partner isn't invited because of the pets, from whom s/he is inseparable, and the multiple food allergies which would mean that the caterers have to produce macrobiotic vegetable dishes in a predetermined colour sequence.

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	addedentry 2008-03-21 02:33 pm UTC (link)
	Wise words, as always; thank you. I had been focused on the 'beginning of the marriage' (indeed, terror of public appearances is the only thing that ever deterred me from wedding). But friends and family are placed under an obligation, or shall we say more positively a duty, as witnesses; so it's time to think to consider how to let them enjoy the prospect. (Reply to this)(Parent)

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